Sexual orientation – who am I attracted to?

When it comes to sexuality, we are all different. And it's not just about what you like, but also who you like. Often, but not always, the gender of the other person plays a specific role. There are in fact a variety of sexual orientations. LIEBESLEBEN gives you an overview of this topic, as well as tips for coming-out and dealing with discrimination.

What does sexual orientation and sexual diversity mean?

Who do I find attractive? What gender or genders am I attracted to? And who do I fall in love with? These are all issues related to sexual orientation. And when it comes to sexual orientation, there are many individual preferences, feelings and desires. For most people, sexual identity is therefore an important part of their personality.

But sexual orientation also has a significance for the people around you. Because it goes hand in hand with certain assumptions and hopes, values and sometimes prejudices. Sexual orientation therefore also always has an interpersonal and a social aspect – even though it is based on your own personal feelings.

Homo, hetero, bi… And much more!

As diverse as feelings can be, so are the terms people use to describe their sexual orientation. Here is a small selection:

Asexual: this term describes not feeling any sexual attraction at all – no matter to which gender.
Bisexual: bisexual people are attracted to men and women.
Heterosexual: this term refers to people who are attracted to the opposite gender.
Homosexual: this term describes people who find their own gender attractive. Other terms such as »queer«, »lesbian« or »gay« are also used for this.
Curious, interested or undecided: doesn't matter, there's no need to commit!
Pansexual: pansexual people are attracted to other people – regardless of their gender.
Queer: this identification means that you reject the social norms of heterosexuality and the two-gender system, i.e., the restriction of gender to the two categories »man« and »woman«, and that you do not consider them important for yourself.

And these are just the most common terms to describe sexual orientations, because: sexual orientation is as individual as each human being. And that is why there are people who do not wish to be classified at all and reject any label for themselves. And that is also perfectly fine!

What is sexual diversity about?

Gay, lesbian, bi, straight, queer, pan, poly, asexual... As diverse as individual preferences are, so are the terms used to describe the different sexual orientations. And even though a distinction is generally made between heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality, there are countless variations: for example, some people describe themselves as not exclusively heterosexual or homosexual, which indicates that there are many possibilities for them when it comes to sexual orientation. Other people describe themselves as pansexual, by which they mean that they fall in love with people rather than a particular gender. And still others decline to have a sexual orientation attributed to them and don't want to be categorised at all. This is all part of sexual diversity.

Sexual orientation and gender – what is the difference?

Gender is diverse. And so is sexual orientation. But they are still different things: while sexual orientation refers to the gender of the people someone is attracted to, gender identity is about whether a person self-identifies with the gender assigned to them, whether it describes them appropriately and sufficiently. It is therefore equally possible for non-binary, trans and intersex persons to be homosexual, bi-sexual, pansexual, asexual or heterosexual as it is for cis persons. A person's gender identity says nothing about their sexual orientation.

»I fall in love with a personality, not a gender. And I really don't feel like committing myself. Anything can happen in my life, and that's what makes it so exciting for me.« Milan, 20

Coming-out – what is it about?

Coming-out means becoming aware of your sexual orientation and communicating this to other people, for example, your family, parents or friends. This is an important step, especially for many gay, lesbian, pansexual, bisexual and asexual people. Because it is about knowing and accepting yourself.

It often takes months or even years to get to that point. And that's not a bad thing, because coming out is always a very personal decision – if you want to come out at all. Do whatever suits you and what feels right to you!

Tips for coming out

Every coming-out is different. But there are a few tips that can help you:

Good experiences encourage you. It's best to first come out to someone who you are sure will react positively.
Do you know how the person you want to come out to feels about gays, lesbians and bisexuals in general? Try to find out so you can better gauge their reaction to your coming-out.
It may take a while for other people to understand and accept your coming-out. Give them time!
Do you want to be in control of who finds out about your sexual orientation? Then first come out to people who will definitely not tell others.
When you come out to your family, make sure there is plenty of time to talk. Choose the time and place carefully – ideally such that the people involved have the chance to process everything in their own time.
Sometimes, unfortunately, you may encounter prejudices when coming out. It helps to be prepared and to know what such prejudices are all about.

Hetero = normal? Homo = different?

For some people, being normal means being like the majority of people. But this is a difficult position to maintain if you take a closer look: left-handed people, for example, are a numerical minority – but they are completely normal. In the same way, while heterosexuality is probably the most common sexual orientation, other sexual orientations, such as homosexuality or bisexuality, are also part of our social reality and normality.

The fact that homosexuality in particular is often perceived as »different« has a lot to do with social norms. These norms determine what we consider normal and what we consider different. Luckily, such norms change! For example, while homosexuality was for a long time considered a disease or even a crime, this is no longer the case today. For example, in Germany any couple can marry, regardless of their sexual orientation. What's more, so-called conversion therapy for young people is now prohibited in Germany. And almost everyone in our society now agrees that no human being is better or worse or more or less worthy because of their sexual orientation.

Have you experienced discrimination?

Even though there are so many different sexual orientations and they are all equal, unfortunately some people don't want to accept that and hold on to their prejudices. Often, such people will have hardly thought about the issue and simply assume that everyone is like them…

But regardless of why some people don't accept sexual diversity – sometimes it can make it difficult for you to live your life the way you are. Unfortunately, some people have certain expectations or openly discriminate. Try to free yourself from this and, if in doubt, seek professional help, for example, from a counselling centre in your area. The counselling service of LIEBESLEBEN is there for you and supports you and your personal issues – in different languages. The counselling team can also give you addresses of counselling centres in your area that also offer services in different languages.