Living diversity – don't let others change you!

Living diversity in a self-determined way, in the family, among friends, at school or at work and in religious communities – that's the goal. Unfortunately, it's not always that simple. And if someone wants to change your sexual orientation or gender identity, this can put you in grave danger. LIEBESLEBEN therefore supports you with background information and provides help services on so-called conversion therapy. It also gives you tips on how to stand your ground and how best to deal with discrimination.

Diversity in everyday life

You will encounter expectations daily life – be it at school, at university, at work, in your religious community, when pursuing your hobbies or on social media. Your family and friends may also expect certain behaviours from you: for example, that you dress and act like »a boy« or like »a girl«, or like »a man« or like »a woman«, that you live in a heterosexual relationship and will eventually start a family…

That's all fine, provided you are comfortable with it and don't feel like you have to change. And when it comes to diversity, it's especially important that you listen to yourself. Because it can be extremely stressful and make you unhappy if you suppress your own personality in order to live up to the expectations of others. Such stress can even make you sick, physically as well as mentally.

You should therefore be aware that social rules and norms change constantly. And you may question them at any time. What's more, you are also allowed to have certain expectations of others: for example, that the people around you accept you as you are and don't try to change you. Even if your are non-heterosexual or not cis-gendered.

Diversity and the family

Every family has expectations – especially of the younger generation. And many of these expectations come about before you are even born. These can be well-intentioned hopes, such as that you are well and happy. Or that you live your life the way you want to. Such expectations often feel good and boost your self-confidence. They show you that you matter and are being supported.

Unfortunately, expectations can also put pressure on you and become a burden. For example, if your family has specific ideas about how you should look, live or love, you may not feel accepted for who you are. This can turn the family into an environment where you have doubts and can no longer be yourself. And you may start questioning your own lifestyle and even think that you need to change.

The more your lifestyle differs from your family's, the more it can confuse and even overwhelm them. Often it's very specific family dynamics that play a role, such as the size of the family or differences between generations and their cultural roots. But no matter what gender you identify with, who you love or how you dress – whatever feels right to you is right for you!

Your family's ideas and values are not necessarily your own. Accepting this is harder for some people, and some (grand)parents, than for others. And yet, it is important for you, your well-being and your health that you accept yourself and stand your ground.

Families can also change and become more open, learn new things and have new experiences. This takes time and courage, trust and honest conversations. And also patience. But what makes families special is that they can tolerate a lot and continue to exist despite difficulties and stresses. Have the courage to talk to your family about what you want for your life. You don't have to talk to them all at once – perhaps just find one person to confide in initially. This can slowly start a process for you that enables more and more change over time and provides you with new opportunities for open and honest conversations.

Diversity and relationships

The more important a person is to us, the closer we are to them – and that doesn't have to mean physically. Interpersonal relationships, like friendships, are very important to (almost) all of us. We look to connect with people we value and appreciate, and we share with them our fears, worries, hopes and ideas. It can be a long road to build a stable and trusting relationship with another person. Feelings and expectations, just like misunderstandings and disappointments, can cause conflict. And some relationships simply change over time.

When you are in contact with other people you often encounter expectations. These can be social attitudes, but also expectations that are placed on you directly or indirectly. And that doesn't have to be a problem – you have your own expectations as well. But remember to be mindful of yourself. Ask yourself questions like: Is this relationship good for me? Can I grow in it and through it? Is there a basis of respect? If so, that's great! Such relationships are very valuable and can give you strength.

Diversity in religion and faith

If you are gay or lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, trans, intersex or non-binary as well as a believer who wants to practice their religion as part of a faith community, you may unfortunately experience rejection. This is because some religious people find it difficult to accept different sexual orientations and gender identities. This is because they rely on the ideas, rules and commandments from very old texts that are central to their faith. However, these texts are often ambiguous and are constantly being reinterpreted. This also applies to passages that talk about sexuality, sexual orientation and gender. In the past, such passages were usually interpreted to mean that homosexuality was strictly forbidden. Today, however, many experts believe that same-sex love and sex were often not referred to at all in the old texts – or that the rejection should not be interpreted so strictly.

The idea of human dignity and charity as well as the principle that one should treat others as one would like to be treated are found in various forms in the scriptures of all major world religions. So don't let anyone tell you that your way of life is somehow wrong! Seek out information on what your religion really says about sexual and gender diversity. This can be texts written by experts who explain controversial passages and offer modern interpretations.

Dealing with discrimination

Accepting yourself and embracing your sexual orientation and gender identity is not always easy. But it is the best way to protect yourself against discrimination – whether you experience it in everyday life, within your religion, in the family or in relationships. And always get as much support as you can. Talk to people you trust about your desires, needs and experiences. And don't put pressure on yourself: give yourself and the people around you enough time. You don't have to conform to the expectations of others if you don't want to. It is the people who are prejudiced and discriminate who need to change – not you!

Unfortunately, discrimination still exists in our society and it can take different forms. This ranges from casual or unconscious remarks to insults and exclusion to outright hatred or attacks. And discrimination can even make you sick, because it affects your well-being and therefore your health. Bring attention to your experience of discrimination, talk to people and get help if needed. You are not alone: you can find help with support groups of people in similar situations, from liaison teachers and from equal opportunity officers in schools, companies or of the city or municipality. Violence and open hatred can become dangerous. If the situation is serious, the police will help you. The LIEBESLEBEN counselling team is also there to help you.

If you are being pressured or discriminated against, you may want to seek out other communities that accept you for who you are. Some believers from the LGBTIQ+ community choose to separate their religion and their sexual orientation or gender identity; they choose to ignore dismissive attitudes and put their trust in their faith. You are also free to leave your religious community at any time and still practice your faith. Because you don't need an organised community for that.

No matter which path you choose, you don't have to go it alone. Every major religion has advocacy groups that stand up for the acceptance and equality of gay, bisexual, pansexual, non-binary, trans and intersex people. They will provide you with information and support.

What is conversion therapy?

Someone wants to make you »normal« because they don't accept your sexual orientation or gender identity? And they suggest that you change and undergo so-called conversion therapy?

First of all: you alone decide who you love and what gender you feel you belong to. No one has the right to change you! Yet that's exactly what so-called conversion therapy attempts to do. It aims to change or suppress a person's sexual orientation or gender identity. But it is not only unnecessary, it is ineffective, wrong and dangerous and is a significant interference in your self-determination.

Gender and sexual orientation are diverse. Claims that they can be changed from the outside contradict sound scientific findings. And they put an individual's health at risk by causing pressure, stress and negative feelings that can damage your mind and lead to anxiety, depression and even suicide. That's why conversation therapy for young people is prohibited by law in Germany. And once you are of legal age, you decide who gets involved in your life. No one is allowed to force you to do anything, deceive you or put you under pressure! Be wary of offers that seem strange, and get help!

Using help services

Someone makes you an offer that doesn't feel right or wants to refer you to pseudo-therapy? Keep your distance and talk to a third party, for example, a friend or another person you trust. Counselling centres and LGBTIQ+ groups can give you support. And get in touch with the counselling service of LIEBESLEBEN. The experienced counselling team can help you with your very personal concerns – in different languages. The counselling team can also give you addresses of counselling centres in your area that also offer services in different languages.

Recognising conversion therapy

Conversion therapy often starts harmlessly: with a book recommendation, a conversation with a supposed professional or a group discussion with a spiritual advisor and people who have supposedly been »healed«. So-called conversion therapy can take a variety of forms and the term itself is rarely used in this context; other descriptions are used, such as »counselling on conflicts in sexual orientation or gender identity«, »reparative therapy« or »helping people to change«. This obscures and downplays their real intent.

Those offering conversion therapy are usually spiritual advisors, religious groups, self-help groups or associations, and sometimes also doctors or psychologists. They often appear nice, understanding and helpful, and start seemingly harmless conversations with you. As the conversation progresses, however, they convey the harmful message that homosexuality, bisexuality, pansexuality and being trans, non-binary and intersex are wrong, and that only heterosexual and cis-gendered people are normal and can be happy. They often back up these false claims with alleged success stories, other people's experiences or pseudo-scientific evidence.

People in your personal environment, family and friends and people posing as neutral, such as professionals, counsellors or religious communities, can exert strategic pressure and work towards a conversion therapy: they may do this with casual comments, stories about other people and even supposed scientific expertise. Don't let this put you off, and get help!