Gender identity – who am I?

Gender is what you make it. Because even if others often only see you as a woman or a man – which gender you identify as, who you are and how you feel about gender is entirely up to you and in no way determined by others. You decide how you want to live. And LIEBESLEBEN helps you by providing you with information about gender diversity and finding your identity.

What does gender identity mean?

People differ in many ways: in what is important to us, in what we like and also in what we feel. And this not only applies to our ideas and values, but also to gender. To gender identity, to be precise.

Gender identity refers to our own perception and feeling when it comes to identifying as one or even more genders. How do you perceive yourself? How do you live? And what gender or genders do you identify as? Your answers to these questions describe your gender identity.

We are usually assigned a gender at birth – often male or female. But whether and how you identify with the gender assigned to you can vary a lot: there are people who feel that the gender assigned to them suits them and identify with it. But it is equally possible for this not to be the case and for you to identify with a different gender than the one assigned to you at birth.

No matter how your gender is perceived by others, how you identify and how you feel about your gender is entirely up to you and in no way determined by other people. Stand your ground and live your gender the way it feels right to you.

Gender and society

The term »gender« is used to describe many things: it includes physical characteristics, supposedly predetermined social traits, but also your own experience and your appearance. Often it's not so much a question of biological factors – societal and social perceptions are much more important. Clothing, hairstyles, toilets, changing rooms, films, language – all these things and more are divided by gender, often by female and male. Expectations are also often linked to gender, such as career choice or family life.

In our society, this division into two genders is still very common – it is also called a binary gender system. But if you think that there are only men or women, you'll miss the main point: which gender or genders you identify with, what you mean by being a woman, being a man, being non-binary, being trans, being intersex – being a particular gender in other words – differs from individual to individual. Remember that gender, even in biology, is diverse. And free yourself from expectations that are contrary to your own understanding. Because what gender means to you, how your diversity is expressed in everyday life, how you dress or express yourself – it's all up to you!

Gender is multifaceted

As diverse as gender can be, so are the terms people use to describe their gender identity. Here is a small selection:

Androgynous: this is used to describe people who do not have clear feminine or masculine traits and can therefore not be classified in this way.
Cis: this refers to people whose gender identity matches the sex they were assigned at birth.
Genderfluid: when someone's gender identity changes, when a person sometimes feels more like one and sometimes more like the other gender, this is called being genderfluid.
(Gender)queer: this term refers to a person who rejects the social norm of the two-gender system, i.e., there being only men and women. And this term also refers to such an understanding of diversity in the context of sexual orientation.
Intersex: the term describes people whose physical characteristics are neither exclusively female nor exclusively male, but either both at the same time or neither. In Germany, intersex people can leave gender open or enter »diverse« on their official documents.
Neutrois: neutrois people feel they are neutral when it comes to gender.
Non-binary: this is an umbrella term for people who reject gender just referring to man or woman and consider gender to be much more than that.
Trans: trans people feel they belong to a gender other than the one they were assigned at birth.

These are just a few terms to describe gender identity. Gender is as individual as each human being. That's why there are also people who do not want to be classified at all and reject any label for themselves – even if they have been assigned a gender, for example, in official documents.

Gender and sexual orientation – what's the difference?

Gender is diverse. And sexual orientation is also diverse. But they are still different things: sexual orientation refers to the gender or genders of the people a person feels attracted to. Gender identity is about whether a person identifies with their assigned gender, whether it describes them appropriately and sufficiently. It is therefore equally possible for non-binary, trans and intersex persons to be homosexual, bi-sexual, pansexual, heterosexual or asexual as it is for cis persons. A person's gender identity says nothing about their sexual orientation.

Finding your own identity is something that affects us all

Although, fortunately, the times when women were not allowed to vote and men were not allowed to cry are in the past, societal ideas about what is typical for a certain gender persist. And this concerns very different areas, such as how you should act, how you look and what character traits you have. Such ideas can be problematic, especially if you do not satisfy them and perhaps do not want to satisfy them. And so, in the course of our lives, we repeatedly engage with and explore the question of gender identity.

You will have to deal with these ideas, especially if you do not identify with the gender assigned to you. Because outside expectations are, unfortunately, very common when it comes to gender. But when you engage with and explore your own gender identity, you can also learn a lot about yourself. You learn to accept yourself as you are, even if you may not always meet the expectations of the people around you.

»It took my family a long time to accept me as I am. But now my mum says that she didn't lose a daughter, she gained a son.« Mattis, 20

What does it mean to be trans?

For trans people in particular, finding an identity is often complex, because the gender assigned to them is different from the gender with which they identify themselves. This is not only about becoming aware of one's gender identity, it is also about communicating it to the outside world. And this often involves additional challenges, such as how you want to express and communicate your gender in everyday life. This can be accompanied by a transition: transitioning from one's externally assigned gender to one's personal gender identity. To do this, some trans people change their first name, their pronouns (he, she, they, it or something entirely different), their marital status, or they take hormones. Medical interventions are also possible. And other trans people don't change anything. The important thing is: whatever you decide is entirely up to you! Don't let others upset you and get support if you have doubts!

Tips for coming out as trans

Coming out to others as trans can take a lot of effort. Here are a few tips that can help you:

Find out about things – including about legal and medical matters. Because the person you talk to will almost certainly have questions about it, and you will be able to answer them. This gives you and other people confidence.
Positive experiences give encouragement: it's best to talk to someone who you are sure will react positively.
It may take a while for other people to understand you and accept your gender identity. Give them time!
Think about what you want to say and what you don't want to say beforehand. This will make you less nervous and you'll look more confident.
Choose the time and place carefully – ideally such that the people involved have the chance to process everything in their own time.

And what about intersex people?

Intersex people are »between« genders because of their physical characteristics, anatomy, genetics, chromosomes or because of their hormones. They have characteristics that cannot be clearly identified as male or female or that are typical of both these genders. This is completely normal, not just medically, but also personally and socially.

However, gender identity is not determined on the basis of physical characteristics; rather, it comes down to personal experience and how you feel. Intersexuality is above all just a medical description, one that refers to the gender assigned to you by others. It is therefore quite possible for intersex people to be cis or trans, depending on whether or not their gender identity matches their medical description as intersex.

Intersex people live and love just like everyone else. Being intersex does not mean that you have to hide or hold back in any way. Enjoy gaining experience and having fun with the people you feel attracted to. Don't allow prejudices or expectations to put pressure on you! It's all about you as an individual human being.

Discrimination and gender

Gender is diverse. And in Germany, all genders are equal, they have the same rights. And there are many laws that protect against discrimination and disadvantage on the basis of gender. There is the German Basic Law (»Grundgesetz«), for example, as well as the General Equal Treatment Act (»AGG«) and the ban on conversion therapy.

But unfortunately, many people still experience discrimination based on their gender identity. It is important not to play down such experiences and to resist them instead. If you have experienced or observed discrimination, you should contact a counselling centre in your area. The counselling service of LIEBESLEBEN is also there to help you. The experienced counselling team can help you with your very personal concerns – in different languages. And the counselling team can also give you addresses of counselling centres in your area that also offer services in different languages.